Elena Farden’s Deep Dive into Nurturing Safe Connections at the 2025 Facilitation Lab Summit
At the 2025 Facilitation Lab Summit, Elena Farden led an immersive session titled “Consent as Ceremony: Learnings from Nurturing Safe Connections in Indigenous Play Parties.” Elena, known for weaving cultural rituals and deep respect for consent into her facilitation practice, provided profound insights into how we can integrate these sacred traditions into our own work.
The session began with Elena’s warm aloha and a traditional chant, or oli, inviting ancestors to guide the participants. Through this powerful opening, Elena demonstrated the importance of connecting with the land and community—using rituals to ground and center both the facilitator and the participants. This deep, intentional connection is foundational in her work, and she encouraged everyone to explore how their own rituals can help deepen their connection to the spaces they facilitate.
Relational Accountability
One of the core practices explored was relational accountability, or the idea that facilitators are shaped by their place, their ancestry, and their community. Elena asked participants to reflect on their “mauna” (mountain) and “wai” (water), asking them to think about the places that sustain and connect them. This exercise wasn’t just about physical geography—it was about understanding how our stories, identities, and the places we come from shape our perspectives and our practices. It was a deeply reflective practice, encouraging each participant to consider how their own background and context influence their facilitation.
The session also explored the power of consent—not just as an ask but as an offering. Elena guided participants through a simple yet profound exercise: Janken Po Rockstar, a playful take on rock-paper-scissors that allowed participants to practice offering and receiving with full consent. By integrating play, Elena demonstrated how consent can be woven into the very fabric of facilitation, creating space for vulnerability, trust, and authentic connection.
Elena also shared her unique perspective on indigenous play spaces, explaining how these communities use clear, structured rituals to ensure that participants are both physically and psychologically safe. Consent, she emphasized, is not just about asking for permission; it is about creating a reciprocal space where both the offering and the receiving are valued equally.
Gratitude Circle
The workshop culminated in a gratitude circle, where participants were invited to express appreciation for those around them. This circle, filled with non-sexual but consensual physical touch, offered a moment for reflection on how physical touch can help deepen connection and build trust in a facilitated space. The exercise left participants moved and reflective, with many sharing that it had been an important step in rebuilding trust and intimacy after the isolation of the pandemic.
Elena’s session was a powerful reminder of the importance of bringing intentionality and care into every step of our facilitation practices. By weaving together consent, cultural practices, and deep relational care, Elena provided the tools to build safer, more inclusive spaces for everyone involved.
Watch the full video below:
Transcript of Elena’s Session:
Elena Farden:
[foreign language 00:00:14]. So aloha to all of you with gratitude and love and compassion. My name is Elena Farden. I am from Ka’aihe’e in Makiki on the island of Oahu, and I grew up in Kaimuki. I ask for your indulgence in just a quick moment to allow me to open the space in a way that I do within my practice. And then, I would love to be able to share this with you to see how you might share this in your practice.
MUSIC:
[foreign language 00:00:53].
Elena Farden:
This chant or oli that I offer with you is something that’s written for all of us, not just for those that grew up and was born in Hawaii. But this is an opening mele or song or chant that we often use when we’re entering into new spaces. And we’re basically asking for our ancestors and those past and present to be with us. Huna o na mea, huna no’eau show us those hidden teachings, those learnings that are there. And E Hō Mai is really asking them, in this journey, let us not be alone. Come be with us. We invite you in with us. We invite you to guide us.
So I share this with you and ask as you’re looking at these words that may be a little bit different from you. How as you as a facilitator? What are your rituals? And how you’re connecting relationship and intention when you come into a new space? I believe we all have these rituals. It may not look like this, but there are ways in which your rituals and your practice can deepen your intention when you’re coming into different spaces that may have different beliefs or different culture. So we’ll share a little bit more about that.
Before I do, and thank you for allowing me that time, a proper introduction of who I am. I shared my greeting earlier. I asked for knowledge to be here, but who am I as a person? Again, Elena Kavai’ala Uluwehi Onau’una Saba’ina’el Farden. You can call me Elena. I answer to almost anything. I’m born and raised on the island of Oahu in Hawaii. I was born under the Malu or the protection of Le’ahi, which is here. You may know it as a different name or Diamond Head, an iconic mountain that we have in Waikiki. It is known for its shape that looks like the tuna of the fish.
And in ancient times prior to tourism and our overpopulation, it was used to light the way for ships that were out at sea to come home. So I think about this place as I might do in my facilitation. What is the light that I’m wanting to bring? How do I help guide them back if they are something that needs to be rescued? How do I bring things home that belong home? And then with the same mauna or mountain, the rains that sustain me, the fresh water that sustain me, so that I can be abundant and sustain myself and grow. The name of that rain is Apuakehau, and it means a basket of dew.
This is also the name of the rain and the stream. And there was so much rain, so much so that within Waikiki itself, it was known as a very abundant place of fertile land, lots of food in order to grow and feed thousands and thousands of people. So these are the two things that guide me. And when I introduce myself to new places, I always connect them to a place. What is my mauna? What is my mountain? What is my fresh water source? So I’m going to ask and take some time for you folks to do the same thing. You have on your tables. So we’re going to delight in some joy.
And I’m going to ask you to take about five to seven minutes, and think about where you come from. What is your mauna or your mountain? And what is your wai or your fresh water source? I am learning from Adam that Dallas does not have a mountain range. No. So if you do not think about a landmark, I think on day one there was a participant in this back corner perhaps who had shared one of the trailing edges with Dom’s presentation that one of her things is to look out the window to see the Golden Gate Bridge.
So if this is a landmark, a city skylinescape, something that connects you to that place. It may not be a mountain, then I want you to think about that and draw that. If you don’t know your water source, you may be as Alyssa is here, an ocean person. She needs to be near the ocean. You can identify a saltwater source. So let’s take a few minutes. And perhaps if we have some music, but if not, it’ll just be me and you thinking through your mountain and your freshwater source.
All right, I know we still have folks drawing. You’re going to still be able to hold on to them, and we’ll still have some time. You’ll have a minute to share this out in just a little bit. But as we are moving forward, I just want you to continue to think about what is your mountain, your mauna, your landmark? What is it that tethers you to a place that allows you to have a relationship that you do? And with that, also thinking about what sustains you, and why is it so important that you tie your identity to a place?
So relational accountability. When we’re coming into places, we are not coming in as individuals. We’re coming in as people that are shaped by our place where we come from. It could be our organization, it could be where we grew up, it could be our childhood. We are also shaped by our ancestry. So not just your own ethnic heritage. But for example, coming into this space here, I might change the way I introduce myself by the ancestry or genealogy of my knowledge. I am an alumna of the Voltage Control Facilitation Certification program.
These are ways that I want to connect. Why is it important for me to connect? Because I want to know, Adam’s from Dallas, but his parents are from Wyoming. I’m from Hawaii, but I’m trying to build connection. What is it something that we have in common besides eating tacos from a truck in a dive bar, right? These are things that I’m looking for as I think about the reciprocal framework of these things. So on the other side here in this picture I have He aha kau hana? I know I wrote it in Hawaiian.
I was thinking English. But basically it’s saying, what is your work? What is your hana? Your hana is your work. So I want you to think of your reciprocal framework as, how am I reframing how I introduce myself by my connection, by my belonging and my purpose? It sounds nebulous, but we’re going to talk it through together. And your mauna, your mountain and your wai or your river will come into play with that. So this is mine. Connection is meaning where am I coming from?
So coming into a place, whether it’s here or in Hawaii or in a new community context, I might say, “My name is Elena. I’m coming from the waters of Apuakehau sheltered by mauna le ahi famous for lighting the path home for those far out to sea. I’m connected to this space today here at the Facilitation Summit because I believe in facilitation as a powerful leadership practice that can steward a collective towards meaningful change.” It doesn’t have to be that long, but the connection is basically asking you, where are you coming from? What place? What organization? What’s your framing stepping into this place? Why are you here? What’s your purpose?
Belonging or influence. Growing up in Hawaii, we have a very big extended family. For those that are also similar in that space, people will often ask you, “Who do you belong to?” Or, “Who are your parents?” And basically, they’re asking that to say, “If you act up or get out of line, I need to know who to report to, so who do you belong to?” In this context, I’m asking, what are you carrying with you? Who do you belong to? What is your tie? Building on your connection. So for me, I might introduce myself using belonging influence as, I carry with me the wisdom of my ancestors and mentors that knowledge is a responsibility.
I also carry the teachings from Voltage Control as an alumna of the Facilitation Certification and facilitation practitioners of art of hosting and such communities that are dedicated to a deep community of practice for facilitators to lead with purpose and cultivate conversations that matter and foster growth. Obviously, I love to talk a long, long time. It doesn’t have to be this long. It can be short. But basically, who do you belong to in your influence is asking you, what are you carrying with you? What are you bringing into this space?
And then, last is purpose. Always building on the connection and the belonging. Why are you here? Why are you called to be here today? Why now? Why this place? And what is it that you’re bringing to add to this table of learning of knowledge? So for me, I would say, “And today I’m here to share what I know and what I’ve learned about rituals of consent and how I can support an authentic connection.” So back to your mauna and your wai as your tether to your place and identity.
I’m going to give you time now to also start to maybe write out or draw out your connection. I come from where? Where are you coming from? Your belonging, I carry with me this. My purpose, I should say your purpose. And today, I’m here to share this, to gain this, to do this, to feel this, to accept this. Can I help care for any questions with connection, belonging, and purpose as you folks begin to script out your identity and your introduction?
All right, so working individually is helpful, helps us to zone in on our thoughts, get something down. But we are social creatures by nature. We know that we need each other. So I’m going to ask you to work or invite you to work in pairs and to share your introduction with someone else, either on your table or someone next to your table to help you with… And I’ll put it back once. Your connection, your belonging, and your purpose, introductions or your statements. I’m asking you folks to also give each other feedback, ask questions throughout our sessions together in the past day. We’re leaning in with curiosity. We’re practicing. We’re being vulnerable. And can I help care for any questions, any instructions that need clarity, any support that I can provide?
Stephanie:
So you have a deep cultural and heritage. I come from nowhere and everywhere. What does that look like?
Elena Farden:
I would invite you to think about what are places that shaped you? It could be an organization. It could be a club or a team. It could be something about your hometown where you grew up that may not be your home, but something about that place. It could also be, for example, I grew up in Hawaii, but my young adulthood was spent in California going to college, I do consider Los Angeles a second home for me.
So in a way, I could pick two places. I could say within Glendale, California is also home for me. I could pick Deukmejian Mountain or Brand Park as maybe my mauna or the rivers that run through it. It could be something that way. So I would think about what are the places that shaped you, influenced you, impact you in your life. It doesn’t have to necessarily be the home you grew up in. It could be a different place. It could be a person, it could be a landmark, it could be a team. Is that helpful? Yeah. Good question. Other thoughts?
Speaker 4:
Stephanie, I was the same as you trying to figure what my Dallas connection is, but Mike gave me some great advice. He said, “Think back to your childhood.” And I grew up in Tatum. It’s a small town, but I drew it out, a farmhouse with a fire coming out of the fireplace, and we had 77 acres, and we had water on there for the cattle and for the horses. And I drew all that out because that’s really kind of my home. When I think about what’s really my home, where I came from.
Elena Farden:
That’s beautiful.
Speaker 4:
Yeah.
Elena Farden:
This is where your heart feel it’s most full.
Speaker 4:
Yeah.
Elena Farden:
Yes.
Speaker 4:
I have fond memories of my childhood.
Elena Farden:
Where you feel you’re most yourself.
Speaker 4:
Yes.
Elena Farden:
Where you can come in and people actually, “I know you.” I don’t have to put on a front.
Speaker 4:
Yes.
Elena Farden:
This is me exactly who I am. It could be a karaoke bar, that could be a place that defines you. Everyone knows me, my name, and the songs that I want to sing. This is my place where I feel most at home. Any other questions before I ask you to work in a pair, just to get some help and feedback with your introduction. This is I know a different muscle than most may be used to in how you introduce yourself.
But I’ll share with you the importance of it when it comes to coming into a community. Okay. So with that, I’m going to ask that you folks find a pair or someone to work with on your table or next to your table. Share them what you have so far of your connection, belonging, and purpose, and get some helpful feedback.
All right. I’m going to ask a pair from table 3, 5, 8, and that last table in the back to share. I’m going to start with the table in the back. If you folks would like to share, if you folks were able to get through a full introduction. Or what are some of the emerging thoughts in introducing yourself in this way?
Debbie Baker:
[foreign language 00:17:33]. Hello, my name is Debbie Baker. I work for the Choctaw Nation and I’m also a tribal member. So I’m also trying to embrace my indigenous culture. It’s been a challenge because I didn’t grow up in it. I’ve only spent the last 10 years learning it. Sorry, I’m a little bit nervous because I’ve never really talked in Choctaw out loud to anybody, so.
Elena Farden:
Good for you.
Debbie Baker:
On a side note, my daughter is in an apprenticeship program where she’s learning to speak the language. She spends 40 hours a week learning, so I’m really proud about that. So one of the connections that I have, which I’ve always stated from the time that I got into the certification program is that my purpose is to bring back facilitation to my tribe because we used to make decisions in a communal fashion. We made decisions that were in the best interest of the tribe. We no longer do that. We have people at the top making corporate level decisions for our tribal members, and it breaks my heart. So I really want to figure out a way to bring that back into the culture of who we are in making decisions. Thank you.
Elena Farden:
Thank you for sharing that. A pair from table eight. Something that either you were able to finish it, your introduction, or what’s emerging for you, sort of introducing yourself in this framework or format.
Speaker 6:
So I was born in Mexico where you could see the Popocatépetl and the Iztaccíhuatl, which were the mountain ranges, and you can’t see them now because of the smog. In 1981, I moved to St. Paul, Minnesota with my family. And a big definition of that is the Mississippi River. So when my stepmother, when she died, we had her ashes going into the Mississippi River. That was her wish. I said, “I come to this place to represent myself. And yes and that space, which is my site. In this community of practice, I bring my sense of coaching and teaching and appreciation of this craft to connect, to enrich, and to build momentum.”
Elena Farden:
Mahalo. Thank you. It’s beautiful. All right. A pair from table five, and then three.
Annie Love:
Hi, I’m Annie Love. I’m from Seattle via Idaho. I grew up in the mountains of North Idaho. We have a big lake, amazing freshwater lake. Mountains and water have always been a part of my life, especially water. I’ve always been drawn to it. When I moved to Seattle, it’s all the mountains, it’s all the lakes, it’s the sound, it’s everything. It’s gorgeous. One of the things when I was growing up on the farm, it was for me, I had no close friends nearby, you know? So it was only at school that I got to hang out with friends. So it was a lot of time by myself.
And so, I just became an explorer. I had a pond. Sorry, I get nervous speaking. I had a pond that I could just take my canoe on. I had a tree house that I could climb. I would just dream up all these scenarios in my head, and it kind of has led me to where I am today. I’m a world traveler as a hobby. But for my job, I am in exploration. Geocaching is exploring the world through a really fun game. And so, my background has really brought me to where I can help share that with other people. And so, my journey and purpose is to help grow myself and not be a nervous speaker in front of my team at work, so that we can do our best to help everyone else become an explorer, so yeah.
Elena Farden:
Mahalo. Thank you. Being nervous just means that we care about what we’re sharing in the space, so thank you for that. All right. Table three, bring us home. Someone would like to share?
Doug:
Hi, I’m Doug. And we had a number of good things we talked about at our table. But myself, I grew up in the Midwest in a farm family and really bring with me a lot of heritage, and legacy, and trustworthiness, and wisdom from my ancestors. But I always wanted to live on a river. And I used to go canoeing down in Missouri. And finally, I had an opportunity to get some property in Virginia. So now I live in the mountains, in the Blue Ridge Mountains, on a river, and went kayaking 21 times last year on my river. So I love where I’m living now. I came here to this session, to this two-day session to really get better at being able to guide people and bring out the best in people when I facilitate.
Elena Farden:
Thank you, Doug. So from wanting to live on the water to helping people facilitate with that flow, to growing up in Mexico over the mountains that can no longer be seen, but knowing that the river in which the ashes of your mother lay are also carried with you, to wanting to be able to explore more because this is how we interact with the world. This is how we build relationship with the world to being able to revive and revitalize indigenous languages and practices and how we make decisions. So beautiful. Thank you everyone for sharing. I appreciate that.
So with that, we also want to build on this. And so that is, you’ve done your mountain, your water, your introduction, you’ve had that share and some feedback with a trusted partner. Now, it’s also knowing your name and knowing your intention. So as I shared earlier, my name, my given name is Elena. It is a Greek origin. It means light or enlightenment. And it also ties into the way I see myself and also my tether to my land. And with that, I think it also manifests certain types of characteristics in me. I am an Aries Sun, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Rising. It’s fire, fire, fire all the way through.
And that’s what you get when you have two Sagittarius that have a child. So this is what I am. But in knowing my name, it’s also many different names. So Elena, I call it my taxpayer name. This is my taxpayer name. Kavai’ala Uluwehi Onau’una is my given, my identity name. So this name was given to me when my mother was pregnant. And my grandmother remembers smelling gardenias that would grow outside of our window. And so, that scent would sort of linger on her skin unforgettable. And so, this is the name that I carry.
Whether that has a good meaning or a bad meaning, it doesn’t say if the smell is nice or if the smell is not nice. I don’t know. But that’s the power of names in being able to grow into your name and your responsibility. So how do we get to know each other’s names? So in indigenous play parties, which we’ll not be doing here. We will be keeping our clothes on. There will be no playing of that sense, but the learnings that happen in play parties and being able to understand who’s in the room and how do we get to know each other’s name in a very consensual way.
We’re going to play a quick game. So this is called Janken Po. Many of you might know this as rock, paper, scissors. In Hawaii, we call it by its Japanese name, Janken Po. So the way it goes is you only have three things you can do, rock, paper, and scissors. Is anyone familiar with this game? Perfect. We call this Janken Po Rockstar. I’m going to ask if perhaps table three can help me demonstrate. So if you can come stand here with me, we’re just going to demonstrate for the crowd, and then we’re all going to do it. Yes.
So the way Janken Po Rockstar works, you’re going to pair off and find someone to do rock, paper, scissors. So I’ll go with JJ. And then, we’ll do this. So Janken Po, Janken Po, Janken Po. All right, so he wins. Rock defeats scissors. So now, I become JJ’s cheerleader. So what happens is I stand behind JJ and say, “JJ, JJ.” While he searches for a new opponent. “JJ, JJ, JJ, JJ, JJ, JJ. Get him. JJ.” Who’s the winner?
JJ:
Me.
Elena Farden:
Okay, so now you become part of our JJ cheerleading line. “JJ, JJ, JJ, JJ, JJ.” Who’s the winner? Brian?
Brian:
Yeah.
Elena Farden:
Now, we all become Brian’s cheerleader line. “Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian.”
Brian:
I got it.
Elena Farden:
So Brian is now the winner, so…
Brian:
My introvert’s like yelling at me right now.
Elena Farden:
Thank you for helping me with this. So what we’ll do for Janken Rockstar, you’ll start with your table first. Pair off to go Janken Rockstar. Then once you’ve done with your table, you’re going to need to expand through the room. Continue to find someone else to challenge until there are only two left. And again, if you are the non-winner, because we have no losers, if you are the non-winner, you become the cheerleader for whoever has acquired you. Any quick questions? I know that was a lot of…
Speaker 10:
1, 2, 3, hit?
Elena Farden:
1, 2, 3, hit. 1, 2, 3, reveal. Yep. And only rock, paper, scissors. No T-Rex, or Velociraptor, or dynamite. None of those will work. Any quick questions? Are we all good with Janken Po Rockstar? Until there’s two left. All right, start at your table.
Who was the winner? Steve?
Audience:
Steve.
Elena Farden:
Steve. Where’s Steve? Congratulations, Steve. So thank you everyone for playing Janken Rockstar. Now that you found another good way to find everyone’s name and also a way to cheer them on, and this is our winner, Steve.
Audience:
Whoo!
Speaker 12:
Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve.
Elena Farden:
Steve, in knowing your name and now that you’re a winner, would you be open to sharing the story about your name? How did you get your name, Steve?
Steve:
Gosh, I wish I knew better.
Elena Farden:
I’m sorry I put you on the spot.
Steve:
Yeah. No, I think my parents had a list of names that were actually relatives, and they were nixing each other’s different options. So they settled on Steve because it was not a relative, and they liked it. I was born in the time of when maybe Steve McQueen was popular and stuff like that, so there might’ve been some influence there. And then, my middle name is after one of my cranky great-grandfathers. My great-grandfather, Ed Hauser, who supposedly was just a cranky, disagreeable person unfortunately.
Elena Farden:
Truly opposite of you, huh?
Steve:
I think so.
Elena Farden:
Okay.
Steve:
You don’t need the last names. I mean, I got that. There was no choice in that.
Elena Farden:
It’s up to you if you’d like to share.
Steve:
Yeah, Bozak is a Slovak name that came from my great-grandfather who emigrated here about 150 years ago, and went from rags to riches, then got ruined by the Great Depression actually. Yeah. And it actually means either poor person or barefoot person in Slovakia, so yeah.
Elena Farden:
Thank you, Steve. Thank you for playing. Yep.
Audience:
Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve.
Elena Farden:
Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve.
Audience:
Steve, Steve, Steve.
Elena Farden:
Oh, but that is also the power of names and also the power of story. We would’ve never known that that was a story behind your name, how you got it. So with that, again, knowing your name is also knowing your intention and the things that you come with. For those of you that may not know the story of your name, I encourage you to ask your parents, your family, your grandparents, if they’re still with us. Ask them how you got your name. Where does my name come from?
If you’re so bold, ask them, “Do you remember when or how I was conceived? What’s the story behind that?” There might be a story of how your name came to be. What music was playing? I don’t know, so. So our names and our stories are important. And again, congratulations to Steve, but also thank you for sharing that story. In indigenous places, we consider stories a sacred place because you are revealing things about yourself that are open, that are vulnerable, that may not always be known. So thank you for sharing that.
All right. Our next thing with identifying our mauna, the things that sustain us, how we introduce ourselves, and now ways that we get to know each other’s name. And coming into consent as ceremony, we’re also wanting to do an offer before an ask. So I’ll model this. And the way we do this in places that I am familiar with is we always want to bring an offering. It could be food, it could be a blessing, it could be a song, it could be a moment of gratitude. It could also be an ask for forgiveness.
We want to offer that before we ask for anything, meaning we’re always filling before we’re taking something out. So in this exercise, I’m going to ask you to work in pairs. You’ll have partner A is to find an object. It could be anything on the table, and you can pretend what it might be. And you’re going to provide an offering to your partner, and it can be simple. I offer time. I want to offer you a moment of gratitude. I want to say I was inspired by your story, whatever it might be.
And your partner has to receive that offering fully, meaning I accept it. Thank you. I appreciate this. And then, you as partner A is going to ask them for something. And it could be a simple, “I would love to have a conversation with you after this. I’d love to connect with you on LinkedIn, so we can continue this conversation that we had here at the summit.” So to help model this, I would like to offer and ask for forgiveness, and that would be to Douglas and Jamie. And coming into this session, I had offered to host and facilitate one.
And during that time, I know that I was not in my best behavior and following up with communication with both Douglas and Jamie having to chase me constantly, making sure that I would turn in my materials if I had any questions, if I’m coming to the meeting, do I need anything else? Are there any materials? And it was a much, much delay on my part and impacted their planning. So with that, for Douglas and Jamie, I offer my deepest and sincere apologies for my behavior, and I know it wasn’t productive.
And going forward, I commit to having more timely communication in how I interact with you and all of Voltage Control because you are an important part of my community, so I offer that to you, and I ask that you humbly accept it. Yep. Great. Now that they fully accepted it, my ask of Douglas and Eric and Jamie is if perhaps the slides that were shared by the facilitators might be available somehow is my small ask. And if not, that’s also okay. Okay, perfect. So in pairs, either at your table or someplace else, remember we just had Janken Po Rockstar. You’ve met tons of people that you’ve cheered for. Find someone, pick who’s going to do the offering first, who’s going to receive, and then you’re going to switch.
So thank you for that. I’m wondering, I’m going to ask from the tables in the back, also table one, what it felt like to receive fully before you were asked something. Oh, yeah.
Speaker 14:
Yeah, like, oh, I’ve received it. Now, I have to give you what you’re asking for, so.
Elena Farden:
It can feel like a trap. I should’ve mentioned, you have free will to say, you could say no. I wasn’t explicit. Right. Yeah, good point. Good feedback. Our table’s in the back. Yes. Oh, in this table?
Speaker 15:
Sure.
Elena Farden:
Frank?
Frank:
I had no problem giving. I actually felt really good because for me, it’s disarming.
Elena Farden:
Sure.
Frank:
Yeah. Plus I was concerned. You know, vitamin C, the tangerine. I want to make sure she was healthy, so.
Elena Farden:
Yep.
Speaker 17:
It was so funny. I had no problem giving. I gave a wonderful little flower made of these little dots here. But I had a lot of trouble thinking about my ask, I was like, “Oh, what do I want to ask for? I don’t know if there’s anything I want to ask for.” And so, that was just an interesting observation for myself.
Elena Farden:
Feeling like a trap, being a giver, but also you just want to give. You don’t know if you want anything in exchange. That could be a thing too. Yeah, not knowing. Yes.
Speaker 18:
I guess the idea of reciprocity. It’s like if I actually need something, I’m going to give this to you. And then, therefore be able to ask you of something. I guess that’s another way you can look at it. That’s a little more cynical to me, but that’s kind of how I saw it.
Elena Farden:
No, reciprocity is a very big thing in the offering and the ask, and then also your intention. There was a hand here. Okay, I’m coming. Oh, you can…
Speaker 19:
So I gave Katie here a highlighter and I just grabbed the first thing. And then as soon as I handed it to her, it became very obvious to me that this is a magical device to mark what’s important in life and the important moments. And I’m normally not capable of finding things like that. And I think that’s a hundred percent a testament to your ability to set the frame and the spirit in this room, so thank you very much.
Elena Farden:
Thank you. Thank you. One last reflection or comment. And then, we’re going to move into our closing. Okay. So in our last 30 minutes together and on our last day, I’d like to offer a closing circle. Something that I also do in my practice within indigenous play spaces. And I did have a question from Melissa, what is an indigenous play space? So I’ll just address that really quickly to put some questions at ease. But an indigenous play space or play parties is where people from different backgrounds, either ethical, non-monogamy or consensual non-monogamy have abilities to gather together in order to have consensual play.
And that may be an open relationship, that may be a swinger type of situation, but these things need structure, they need guidance, they need consent, they need strict rules to be followed so that there is psychological and physical safety, that everyone is aware of what their expectations and rules are. And if those are not followed, what happens for the consequences because of the type of physical and mental damage that could happen. So that is what a play party is. And most of the facilitation that I do is somewhat in that space, but mostly in indigenous spaces. So I hope that helped answers your question.
With that, I’m going to quickly and nervously move to a closing circle. So I’m going to ask from this table on, if I can have you stand and come into a circle, maybe around these two tables. I know it might be difficult. But if I can ask this table 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, have you stand and come into a circle. You’re going to face inwards and face each other, and try to make a circle as best as you can.
Speaker 20:
Close on.
Elena Farden:
Close on. Yes.
All right. Now that you’re in this circle, what’s going to happen is I’m going to ask you to close your eyes. Does anyone have any injuries on your top right shoulder? Or does anyone not like to be physically touched on your top right shoulder? If so, you’re welcome to step out of the circle and just observe. There is no judgment. I just want to make sure you’re fully informed of what will happen to you.
So the touch will be… Is it okay if I touch your shoulder? It will look like this, and that’s it. If you’re not okay with that, and that’s completely fine as well. Feel free to step out of the circle and you can just observe. Okay? I’m going to ask you folks to stay within this circle and close your eyes. No peeking. All right, I’m going to ask this half of the room to surround the circle on the outside where I’m here in this way. All the way around, if you can make it.
I’m going to give the outer circle three prompts one at a time. And with those prompts, you’re going to touch the shoulder of the person that matches that prompt. You can touch as many shoulders as you want. Again, only the top right shoulder. This is non-sexual consensual touch. We are not touching anywhere else on the body. Again, you can touch as many participants in the inside circle as you want pending the prompt.
So for example, a prompt might be, touch the person on the shoulder of who you are happy that you met today at this two-day summit. Okay? All right, we’re going to go counterclockwise. When you come back to the person you are standing in front of after you’ve made your round, you’ll just pause there. Okay? Does that make sense? Clockwise. Is this clockwise? Am I making it weird?
Speaker 21:
Nope.
Elena Farden:
Okay. Okay. Okay. I will lean into the movement of the group. All right. So we’ll start inner circle, keep your eyes closed. Outer circle, please touch the top right shoulder of someone that you met today that helped change your perspective about your facilitation practice.
I see we’ve made our way around. Your next prompt for the outer circle is to touch the top right shoulder of someone you were so excited to cheer for, whether it’s Janken Po Rockstar, whether it’s hearing them share their story, whether it’s anything throughout these two days together where you saw them stand up, be vulnerable, be open to feedback and share with the whole group.
And now, for our last prompt, touch the top right shoulder of the person who you didn’t have a chance to meet, but had their presence not been here in the past two days, the experience would have not been the same. Inner circle, continue to keep your eyes closed. Outer circle, your gratitude has been seen, felt, and acknowledged. Take one step over to your left. And inner circle with your eyes still closed, put your left hand on the right shoulder of the person next to you and just thank them for being in the space with you.
You can open your eyes, sorry. That might be helpful. Yeah, so that there is no inappropriate placement of hands. Perfect. My inner circle, now with your eyes open, I’m going to ask you to step out. And our outer circle, you’re going to step in and find your place to close your eyes. Again, same for the inner circle. If there’s anyone uncomfortable or does not want to participate, there’s no judgment. You can feel free to step out at any time and just be an observer and a witnesser.
For our outer circle. You’re going to go clockwise, which I guess is this way. Yeah, that’s what I was told. Sorry, I live on an island. Any questions for the outer circle before we start? I know you had eyes closed in the beginning. All right. Inner circle, please close your eyes, settle in. For our outer circle, please touch the shoulder, top right shoulder of the person you are glad you met, that they came to this facilitation summit, that you made a connection with them, that they helped change something about your perspective in the work that you do.
All right, thanks for coming full circle. Our next prompt. Touch the top right shoulder of someone that you may not have had the opportunity to meet, but you’ve witnessed them in their quiet moments with them talking with others, with them eating or doing their work. You saw their presence here, and you just want to acknowledge that you see them. So touch the top right shoulder of someone you didn’t have an opportunity to meet, but you are grateful for their presence here.
And our last round, touch the top right shoulder of someone who did something, said something, wore something, pushed back at something, agreed with something, made you say, “Heck, yeah, this might be my people, my person. I’m so overjoyed that you attended.” Outer circle, your gratitude has been seen, felt, and acknowledged. Thank you so much. Inner circle, you can open your eyes. Please put your left hand on the right top shoulder of the person next to you, and just thank them for their presence here. Yep. All right. Everyone, you can have a seat if you wish. Thanks.
We have just a few minutes to wrap up. I’m going to ask two folks to just share. So I’ll ask you just quick reflections on the gratitude circle. Anything that stood out or how you might incorporate it in your practice, or just open thoughts and feedback would be great.
Speaker 22:
Thank you. So it reminded me how much… Well, I mean. Yeah, thanks. I was thinking. It reminded me how much physical touch is important. And I think especially following the pandemic and even before that, I think we were drifting further and further away from physical touch. And I was thinking, “Okay, how might I safely bring this into the groups that I work with?” I would like to understand this a lot more. And I’d love anything else that you might be able to offer if we were to bring this to our groups, especially the ones that don’t have the same levels of trust that I hope that we’ve built here. So thank you for that.
Speaker 23:
And strangely, I’m nonverbal. I don’t have words. Moved is the word that I have. Moved. Thank you.
Elena Farden:
Thank you both for sharing. So that closes us out. Here, I have our closing circle, our lei hipu’u. Our lei or wreath that we wear. Hipu’u is a type of tie. You can see these leaves are tied by their stem. The leaves that are here are from candlenut or kukui. They symbolize light or enlightenment. And so, why they’re tied in this knotted fashion is symbolic of fastening the knowledge that you’ve gained over time. So oftentimes, this lei style is given to graduates when they get their degree, when they move on to a new job that the knowledge and intellect and everything that they’ve imbued is fastened tightly. They don’t lose it, and they carry it with them forward.
So I offer this lei hipu’u with you folks, and thank you for being open in this gratitude circle. I have a 1, 2, 3 in case this is something that’s helpful for you. Just a quick reflection. One thing that you’d like to carry forward in your practice. Two things shared today that you are still holding questions about. They still feel nebulous maybe. And three things you want to dig into more deeper or you want to understand more. And this will just be for your own self-reflection. So thank you so much. And I have five minutes to spare. I feel like I should get a little star or something. Thank you for everyone. I close this out and I send it back to you folks.
