Liya James’s Transformative Session at the 2024 Facilitation Lab Summit
Liya Jamies led the first session at the 2024 Faciliation Lab Summit entitled “Navigating the Inner Narratives: Enhancing Relational Dynamics.” Liya encouraged participants to explore and manage their inner voices. She emphasized how these often-overlooked internal dialogues significantly influence our perceptions, actions, and relationships. The workshop blended theory with practical exercises, helping attendees recognize and harness their inner narratives to foster better communication and empathy.
Her approach was personal and engaging. She shared her journey of self-discovery, illustrating how confronting internal dialogues can lead to profound personal growth and enhanced interpersonal connections. Her experiences as a leader dealing with conflict and miscommunication provided practical insights into the power of self-awareness and empathy in facilitating change.
Key workshop activities included interactive sessions where participants examined their internal narratives, role-playing exercises to demonstrate how different “inner narrators” affect communication, and group discussions on relational attunement—the ability to sync with our own and others’ inner dialogues. This concept was likened to bird migration, where coordination and responsiveness within a group are crucial for success.
Liya also highlighted the impact of these narratives in a professional setting, using a marketing campaign brainstorming exercise to show how different internal perspectives can influence teamwork and creativity. Participants learned to identify and adjust their inner dialogues, promoting more effective collaboration and decision-making.
In her closing remarks, James stressed the importance of continuous self-awareness and engagement with our inner voices. She advocated for viewing internal dialogues through a lens of curiosity and compassion, emphasizing their role in shaping our relationships and personal well-being.
Watch the full video below:
Transcript
Liya James:
Hi everyone. I am so excited to be here today. This topic is so dear to my heart. When I first became a leader, a people manager, I was very young, and the idea of conflict disagreement was anxiety provoking for me. Now, as facilitators, leaders, we’re managing relational dynamics all the time, right? So the invitation that I want to make to you today is think about relational breakdowns, like miscommunications, differences, as a doorway. As a doorway to get to know ourselves better, as a doorway to get to know each other better, and as a doorway for more compassion and benevolence to towards ourselves and each other.
Relational breakdowns are a part of every day, but how do they start? It starts within us. It starts with a voice. Sometimes it’s projecting into the future and saying, “Ooh, are you sure you want to do that?” Sometimes it’s advice, it sounds like my mom. And sometimes it’s trying to be helpful. “Hey, if you just put this person’s needs first, they’re going to show up for you later.” And guess what that does to my relationships? I would do things for people when they didn’t even ask, and then they don’t show up for me when I need them, and I resent them. And guess what? I lose a friend. I lose a colleague that I actually want to be in relationship with.
So this inner voice is coming up with strategies on how to get me what I want, but a lot of times it doesn’t work out. Today we’re going to call this inner voice our inner narrator. Studies show that about a quarter to a half of our waking lives, we’re talking to ourselves like this. When we’re not aware of them, they take over. So I’m about to show you a clip from one of my favorite comedians. It’s called the perfectionist ends a call.
TikTok clip:
You know, I was going to tell you yesterday after I… Oh, sure. No problem. Bye. How did that feel? Okay, except for the ending. Well, you know how we like to end a call? Casual, affectionate, and cool. I know. The call is behind us. Now, what’s our course of action? Do over? Bingo. Okay, let’s stick that landing. Stick the landing. Hey, it’s me. I was just wondering if I could say goodbye again. Stick the landing. It was really great talking to you and catch you later. Bye. How did that feel? I don’t know. It was casual, but not very cool. Should I apologize? I think that’s your only recourse. Okay, stick the landing. Hey, I just want to apologize. What? Casual. No, I just mean… Give me the phone. Hi. Listen, what we need to do is put… What happened? She hung up. Oh no, this is hard. What do we do? Delete her from your phone.
Liya James:
So I said relational breakdowns start within us, right? This is how the inner narrator works. We’re just going about our lives. Having a meeting, talking about a project, having a good time, calling my friend. She didn’t pick up. And then the inner narrator starts developing a story. “She never picks up. She doesn’t care about you.” And then the story sometimes contains what I call a distorted threat. For me, someone not caring about me brings up my 8-year-old inner narrator. You guys are getting to know me really well today. Growing up, my mom was really busy, not available a lot. I have this memory of stomping on my bed trying to get her to come, and she just can’t come because she’s busy. And at about eight years old, I developed this strategy. I have this inner narrator coming online, and this inner narrator is like, “Just be helpful and she’ll pay attention.”
So this friend, I’m helping her a lot, but she’s not picking up. She doesn’t show up on time. So I start to be like, “she doesn’t care about you.” Now I have a distorted threat that says, this person is not available. When I was eight and I didn’t have much resources, that was a threat. When we let our inner narrators perceive threats, they might be greater than what that threat really is to us today as grownups. Because when the inner narrators were first formed, they weren’t as resourced. The fact that mom wasn’t there for me used to be a huge threat, but as a 40-year-old, friend not calling me back, not that big of a threat. What happens though is if I don’t check that, I get activated.
And so I’m going to give you an example and I kind of need your help. I want you to get involved in this one. So I’m in a session with my client, Tom, and he’s brought a really anxiety-provoking situation to my attention, and we’re working through this, okay? I’m going to give you a snippet of that conversation. So I want you to help me figure out what those potential threats are in his story, all right? This is an important concept. I want to make sure you really get it. So it’s causing him a lot of anxiety. I’m just going to give you a minute to take it in. What’s the potential threat in his story? Anybody have a guess?
Audience 1:
Is it the perception of performance of his job?
Liya James:
Yeah, yeah. He’s perceiving a threat to his job, the way he makes a living. Yeah, that could be a big threat, right? Thank you. Anybody else?
Audience 2:
Failure.
Liya James:
Yes, failure. Lots of talk about failure here.
Audience 3:
And it sounds like he’s perceiving that she’s doing it to him.
Liya James:
Oh, purposefully. So there’s a mal intent in the story, and he’s not in control of it. Oh, we’re not in control. That’s really hard for some people, right? Yeah. Anything else?
Audience 4:
He doesn’t feel heard.
Liya James:
Say again?
Audience 4:
He doesn’t feel heard.
Liya James:
He does not feel heard. I’m going to come back to that. You just nailed a big one there. He does not feel heard. I love talking to facilitators. You just went way here. You got us to the bottom of it. All right, lots of threats. Right? Now, we call it a potential threat because we don’t know, right? This is really personal to Tom. We work through that. But when we perceive that there is a threat, our nervous systems get activated. There are two pathways running up and down our bodies who’s responsible for a timely reaction to threats. And it’s not just neurological, it’s not just cognitive, it is physiological. Because in the olden days, our timely reaction to a threat meant life or death. Our hunting and gathering environments have changed a lot, but our nervous system functions about the same.
Now, the perceived threat, how we perceive it is very different depending on our lived experiences. Me and you could be in the same meeting, the same sequence of events are happening. I am activated. I’m about to flight. Actually, my default is fawn. That makes me a really good consultant, really good listener, but it gets me in trouble. So I am activated and I’m about to respond to whatever this inner narrator is saying. And you’re not. You’re calm. Nothing’s happening. We’re just having a meeting. So this reaction is very personal, depending on how we grew up and what the messages were, how our needs were met or not met. So relational attunement is about being in relationship with these inner narrators, not in a way that pushes them away or shutting them up. We have to be in compassionate relationship with our inner narrators if we want to be in compassionate relationship with ourselves and with other people.
And so relational attunement is about getting to know these parts of us and how they behave and what they want for us so that compassion is accessible so we can be attuned with ourselves and others. And when we can do this, we’re more like these birds. These birds migrate from one side of the world to another. This beautiful motion is created simply with one bird saying, “I need food right now.” She goes down to get food and another response. And it’s with this responsiveness that they’re able to go from one side of the world to the other without a plan, without a leader, without any strategies and keeping each other safe while they do that.
Imagine what’s possible if we can be more like this, if work can be more like this. And it comes down to every single one of us doing this work, being attuned. Being attuned with ourselves and others. But we can’t do that. We can’t travel with a common purpose because we disconnect from that purpose when our inner narrators are online, because we get drawn to address their concerns. We disconnect from the group. Sometimes we disconnect from ourselves. Now, here’s a really important thing to remember. We all have inner narrators. It’s part of our survival mechanism, and they all have good intentions. The most important thing is to remember, “They want something good for me, and I want to know what that is, and I want to move toward that good thing.” Some of my inner narrators just want me to belong because I had experiences moving to this country where I didn’t feel like I belonged. It’s really important to me that I feel belonging.
And when I work with clients, I get them through this exercise where they check in on which needs are being threatened. We’re not going to go into that today. I’m not going to have you do this in public with a bunch of strangers. The thing I want you to remember is no matter what those needs are, all of us are stumbling toward wanting to be seen, to be heard, and to be loved. Even the bully, even Tom’s colleague who he thinks is going around him and threatening his job, even her, just finding her way back to love and connection. So here’s some common inner narrators that I think most people are kind of familiar with, right? Yeah, maybe a little bit? Okay. Not just me? Okay, good. Thank you, thank you. I’m not just up here talking about my voices. Okay. All right. So I want to get you guys working with me on this. Let’s start with an easy one. I think the perfectionist we’re all familiar with. So what’s the perfectionist’s good intention? What’s the perfectionist want for us? Anybody? Yeah?
Audience 5:
A job well done.
Liya James:
A job well done. Do a good job. Yeah. Go ahead.
Audience 6:
Preserving your reputation.
Liya James:
Reputation, yeah. Look good, right? That can be really important at work. If you want a promotion, if you want to be seen as a leader, good intention. Oh, here’s a harder one. Catastrophizer?
Audience 5:
Never be disappointing.
Liya James:
Yeah, I don’t want you to be disappointed. I’m going to make sure you know what the worst thing that could happen is, right? Yeah. Hira? [inaudible 00:13:32]. Yes, protect us. Protection is a really big job for these guys. This whole cast is all about protection actually. Let’s do one more. What about the pleaser? Oh man, this one I know really well, so I can talk about this one all day, but what about you guys? What do you think the pleaser wants for us?
Audience 7:
To preserve relationships?
Liya James:
Yes.
Audience 8:
Harmony.
Liya James:
Harmony.
Audience 9:
Support.
Liya James:
Support, yes. Connection, harmony, support. Yeah. And just remember, I may have an inner voice as a pleaser. This other person might have one, but they could be fairly different flavors because remember, they were developed and grew up in a way trying to get our unique needs met. So they might sound a little different, but here’s typically what they want for us; really good intentions. All right, so now I’m going to have some volunteers come up and help me act out some relational dynamics. And don’t worry, I have a script for you. You don’t have to make up anything on the spot. This is not improv. I know improv scares a lot of people. Do I have two volunteers? So as we’re getting set up, it’s two people in a meeting talking about an advertising campaign idea. Here’s your script. Person one, who wants to be person one?
Person one shares an idea and person two is reacting. And we do the same meeting twice. And I don’t expect you to be actors-
Person 2:
I’m an actor.
Liya James:
But you are? Okay. I’m like, well, lucky me. But try to take in that what they’re saying and the feelings and get into it as well as you could. Just so you know, who is person one?
Person 1:
Me.
Liya James:
You are person one. So I just want to have their inner narrators kind of just hold it so they know which one you are. And here’s your inner narrator. So this one is the perfectionist. They’re not talking, the people are talking in a meeting. All right? They’re just hanging around. Okay, go ahead.
Person 1:
We could buy billboard ads all over the country and advertise the digital fluency program.
Person 2:
That’s really expensive.
Person 1:
Okay, well, how about radio ad spots? Those should be cheaper.
Person 2:
Do people listen to the radio these days?
Person 1:
Well, where do you think people spend time?
Person 2:
I don’t know. Maybe online?
Person 1:
We could buy online ads?
Person 2:
Ads can get expensive. They don’t always work, in my experience. Why don’t we think of ideas that are more cost-effective?
Person 1:
Okay.
Liya James:
All right. So people were laughing. What did you notice? What was person one doing? Speak up. Speak up. Go ahead.
Audience 1:
“We going to make it work.”
Liya James:
Yeah, yeah. Appeasing. Trying to go with it. Flowing with it. Okay. Anybody else?
Audience 10:
Trying to break through.
Liya James:
Yeah, trying to break through. Trying so hard. Person one is trying so hard. Okay, so I am going to have you do this again.
Person 2:
Thank you.
Liya James:
But now your inner narrators are offline, so I’ll take those from you. Thank you very much. Thank you for your service. Pixie and puff. So now they’re offline and watch what happens.
Person 1:
We could buy billboard ads all over the country and advertise the digital fluency program.
Person 2:
That can get really expensive really quick.
Person 1:
The fact that that’s the first thing that jumped out at you makes me think that’s an important constraint, but it hasn’t come up yet. Can you say more about that?
Person 2:
Well, we spent so much on the last campaign and got no results.
Person 1:
I see. That’s helpful history. What happened?
Person 2:
Honestly, we had these consultants working on it, and I just assumed they knew what they were doing. So I approved the campaign, but I should have asked for more data before signing off on it. I’m coming into this a little more cautious. I just don’t want to make the same mistake again.
Person 1:
That makes sense. Can you think of other experiences or constraints we should consider before we get back to the brainstorming?
Person 2:
Yeah, but I’m not the only one who has perspective on this, I think. Maybe we should get the team together and come up with a list of constraints.
Person 1:
It really is a great idea. That’s a great idea. Sorry. Breaking the fourth wall, is it called? Yeah, that’s a great idea. I’d like your help to come up with a list of people. Sorry. Sorry. I’d like your help to come up with a list of people that have the right background and experiences. Could you help me with that?
Person 2:
Of course.
Liya James:
Oh, thank you. Give them a big round of applause. Thank you so much. The acting was wonderful. First-rate. Thank you so much. I’m going to have you. Okay, hopefully these don’t roll off. Wonderful. So what’s the difference? What did you notice?
Audience 5:
Curiosity was a big part of what helped to diffuse and create more connection.
Liya James:
Oh, yeah. The second one, when the inner narrator is not online, not activated, she was being really curious and asked very good questions. Go ahead. She was. She was validating her concerns, and she didn’t get activated because she felt heard. She felt heard. Anything else? Yeah?
Audience 11:
Can you say it was more about understanding and solving the problem or [inaudible 00:19:36]?
Liya James:
She was engaged in the problem at hand. She was not off solving something else. Another need that she has. To be liked, perhaps. When we don’t have our inner narrators activated, what happens is we can stay engaged with the conversation. And what’s available to us is benevolent curiosity. We are genuinely interested in what the other person has to say. We’re saying back to them, and they feel like we care. If Tom’s coworker were to talk to him like this, Tom would feel like she really cares. Even if we didn’t solve the problem in that meeting, they have a path to the solution. When the pleaser was offline and she was genuinely engaged in the dialogue, the other person senses safety here. So now I can really say what I think. Yeah. Amazing, amazing. Great observations.
All right, so now I’m going to have you guys try to really embody this, what we’re talking about. I’m going to play two games. The first game, really easy. You just have to be yourself. No stuffed animals, no stuffed animals. They’re done. So we’re going to try to get into groups of three. And when you get into a group, just pick a letter, A, B, or C. Doesn’t matter. Just pick a letter. And this is the game. Douglas sent an email out yesterday that we’re all kind of engaged in this next two days on this challenge with the ACC digital literacy program. So we’re going to use that as just fodder for this exercise. Okay? So the ACC digital fluency program is just basically, in case you didn’t watch the video. Of course you all did, right? You all know what this is about. You researched it.
But just in case there’s one person, it’s a program that teaches military spouses computer literacy skills like Word, Excel, things like that. And it’s working really well here, I think locally. Right, Douglas? It’s working really well. And because it’s online, anybody can do it. You don’t have to be in Austin. And so they want more awareness all over the country. And so we’re going to get ourselves engaged in this problem, in this challenge. So what I want you all to do when you get into your groups of three is person A is going to come up with a campaign idea. Just think about a campaign idea. Any idea, it doesn’t have to be good, okay? Any idea.
The exercise is not about the idea, okay? It’s just about the conversation. Going to socialize it with person B. And person B just has to ask supportive questions to tease the idea out. Don’t add your ideas, right? Basically just be yourselves, be the good facilitators that you are, okay? And we’re going to go back and forth for about five minutes. Person C, observing, taking notes. And I just want you to notice what happens when the person’s not activated? What does that space feel like? Okay, clear? Any questions? All right, go ahead, get into groups of three. [inaudible 00:23:04]. All right, so let’s bring you back. What are you present to? Lots of laughter. What are you present to? What are you noticing?
Audience 5:
Authenticity, inspiration, real potentials.
Liya James:
Oh my goodness. Are you going to give this talk the rest of it? Okay. Authenticity, real potential. We did that in five minutes. I did my job. Going home. Oh my goodness. Anybody else? Don’t be intimidated by that. Yes, Hira? [inaudible 00:23:57].
It was intentional. You felt flow. Oh my God, you guys are good. What else? Go ahead.
Audience 11:
I think there’s a lot of vulnerability in providing new ideas, so there was no activation [inaudible 00:24:25].
Liya James:
And I would say that’s a little bit of a voice that kind of was like, “Oh, make sure your idea is good.” But then you had a moment of, “No, this is safe.” So that is the power when we feel safe, when we know that the other people are trying so much as possible in five minutes when we’re calm and regulated and we have a supportive partner. I’m about to cry. So let’s move on and play another game. And now this time our inner narrator is going to be activated, and I want you to play into that. So this time we are doing a little improv. Okay? Same groups. Change your letters, pick a different letter. So we’re going to rotate. Person B is going to open this envelope and you need to share, there’s one for each table. And there’s cards in there, and I’ll tell you what you’re going to do in a minute, but I’m going to need a volunteer again, just one volunteer. And I’m going to need mic C. I’m going to have a volunteer come up and actually help me demo this game. Okay?
Go ahead. Thank you. Not afraid of improv. Yes. I thought I’d have a few. So this is your envelope and you’re going to randomly pick a card. So I’m going to put the instructions up. I’m just going to walk through this and then we’re going to act it out. So game two, inner narrators, fully activated for person B. Person A’s job is to come up with a totally ridiculous, unworkable idea. I’m really good at that, so I’ll show you how that works in a minute. Totally unworkable, but I want you to love it. Really love it. Please don’t let it go. Do not let it go. Love it so much. And person B’s job is to take a card, go ahead and take a card out. And on the card there is these orange letters on the bottom.
If you’re colorblind, it’s on the bottom, that says automatic reaction. And your job as person B is to stick to that automatic reaction. Do your best job that you can. You cannot be too exaggerated. There’s no such thing today. Exaggeration is welcomed, person B. Okay, so person C, same. Observe. Here’s some prompts for you to observe with. Notice what happens. All right? So we’re going to do that right now.
Solomon:
Am I B?
Liya James:
You’re B. I’m A.
Solomon:
So I’m doing doing the…
Liya James:
Automatic reaction. I’m going to come up with the ridiculous unworkable idea that I freaking love.
Solomon:
Okay.
Liya James:
All right?
Solomon:
All right, here we go.
Liya James:
And I actually don’t have the idea yet, so I’m thinking about it. So military spouses, they have kids, probably families. You know how there’s these animal zoos, petting zoos they take around to markets and stuff with rabbits and hedgehogs and things? What I think we should do is on the same day get a million of these zoos and we’re going to send them to all the military families, like around dinner time, so the kids can be playing with the animals, petting, stuff like that. And then we can talk, like Tupperware parties from the 70s. Now we can talk to the parents about this digital fluency program. And they’re going to be so excited because everybody’s doing Instagram, Facebook, that’s just like nobody’s going to notice. So animal zoos, I think that’s it. That’s it.
Solomon:
Okay. All right. So the first thing we need to do then is just start mapping out all of the communities that we’re going to do this and start calling those petting zoos so we can make a spreadsheet. So you can start with a spreadsheet that’s going to get all of these petting zoos together. And then I think what we’ll do is we’ll have Brenda look at where we can get donations for hand sanitizer so that all the parents will be willing to have this stuff come in. So she can do that. She’ll start getting all the donations for the hand sanitizer to come in. And then we probably also need a sponsor.
Liya James:
Can we just talk more about the idea though? I just want to flesh that out some more because I think it’s such an amazing idea.
Solomon:
It’s a good idea. We got to get these tasks oriented because there’s a lot to coordinate here. We have to figure out, all right, in which city, what routes we’re going to have these folks go on.
Liya James:
I just don’t want Brenda to be concerned about the cost. I want to make sure this idea is really awesome and she really gets how it’s going to work.
Solomon:
But we want it to happen, so we need to get people assigned to the various things. Like, who’s going to look at what the traffic patterns are so that the animals aren’t in their vans longer than they should be, right?
Liya James:
Oh my God.
Solomon:
We need to make sure that this is happening because we want the idea to happen, right?
Liya James:
Why are you always such a damper? I just want to talk about how awesome the rabbits are and stuff. They’re so freaking cute and like… Okay, you get it? You’re getting it? Okay. Good stuff. Thank you so much. Thank you, Solomon. Thank you so much. Awesome. That was so good. So it’s not hard. If I can do it, anybody can. So get into your groups of three. A, B, C. All right? And B, randomly pick a card and I’ll give you guys five minutes. [inaudible 00:30:12].
All right, go ahead and wrap it up. Okay, so what’s coming up for you guys? There was a lot of laughing, I noticed. What else is going on? Did you feel any physical sensations?
Audience 12:
Yeah, at the end I said I need a water break. I was the observer in our interaction, and even just my first personal feeling was like, “Where did we decide this was the idea?” This is a terrible idea. She’s running with it, but I just want to be like, “No.”
Liya James:
So you’re the observer and you’re like, “Oh my God.”
Audience 12:
God, I couldn’t hold it in. The activation was just like, “Stop. We have to stop this.”
Liya James:
Are you familiar with that feeling, that voice?
Audience 12:
Constantly.
Liya James:
Constantly.
Audience 12:
I am the brakes.
Liya James:
You’re the brakes. Yeah, yeah. No, the good thing is inner narrators, they make us really talented at things. Some of mine make me really good at certain parts of my jobs, and so that’s why we don’t want to villainize them. That’s why we’re having fun with them and we’re getting to know them, because they’re not bad. They’re not bad. They’re so helpful. They make us so talented. But if we just kind of go with what they want or their concerns, we kind of wreak havoc in our lives and our relationships. Go ahead.
Audience 12:
Well, I thought it was so interesting because I kept, as the observer, I kept waiting for her to give up on her idea because she was so committed to it and she was such an optimist about it. She literally said, “I’m not going to give up on this idea.” Where it was like, it was just breaking the word. And so it was just fascinating to watch that dynamic of I guess visionary sort of mindset of, “Well, I’m just going to commit.”
Liya James:
Admit it, how many of us have been in a meeting where we are observing something and we’re like, “When is this going to blow up? It’s any minute now, right?” The funny thing is, I told you to come up with a really exaggerated idea, but frankly, a lot of times we’re sitting in a meeting and we’re like, “This VP is saying some really ridiculous stuff,” and it just sounds like this ridiculous. Do you know what I mean? And so that can spiral out really fast. And as facilitators, we’re meeting these moments all the time, and if we are not aware that people have these inner narrators and what they’re trying to accomplish and their intentions, what happens is we’re just like, “Oh, what do I do?”
And you feel like it’s your job. So then your inner narrator comes on as a facilitator like, “What’s my job? Do I shut it down or what do I do?” And then you read a manual that has 100 bullet points about what you should do in this scenario or that scenario, and you can’t remember what they are. What’s nice about knowing this, having this awareness, is you can approach the situation with common clarity. It seems like something’s activated and we can change the course of how things unfold just by being present to this phenomenon that is the human condition. Right? Awesome. Go ahead.
Audience 13:
So in the situation, I’m supposed to be acting, right? But then when you have an activated individual, it naturally brings out your inner narrator. So I wanted, even though she was trying to shut me down with her expertise, I eventually became a pleaser because I didn’t want to give up my idea. So I sacrificed on pieces. So everybody gets activated in that conversation, or it could if you’re not aware.
Liya James:
Absolutely. That’s what happens when the person’s inner narrator comes on, you actually, there’s a part of you inside that’s really good at tuning into that. That’s why we call this attunement. And what we’re tuning into is a lack of safety because they’re not for you anymore. They’re not present to what we’re trying to do anymore. And that disengagement feels unsafe because we’re no longer working on a shared purpose. So then you get activated, whatever your default activations are, to try to save that situation. Because the thing about shared purpose is if we don’t all work together on it, we inherently know it’s not going to work. And if it doesn’t work, it automatically threatens something that we’re really invested in or we need our livelihood or reputation, whatever it might be. Anything else? Eric?
Eric:
I noticed how many potential opportunities there were for a shift. If there’s just one person, “Tell me a little bit more about how to either side,” what that would’ve done, even toward the end.
Liya James:
Yeah. So when I train people on this, they always ask me, “What do I do?” I’m going to have a little bit of that for you guys. So they want to go get training on how do I respond with the correct question. But the most important thing, if we remember to be compassionate with the other person and they’re all trying to be seen, heard, and loved, is to just ask that magic question. “Tell me more.” Amazing. You guys are so good. All right, so what do we do? What if we’re activated? What if there’s a breakdown? What if there’s some unresolved tension with someone? Here are three simple things. This process is pretty complex. Someone might have an inner narrator that’s been there for 40 years and we’re working through, it might take a few months to get into this compassionate relationship I’m talking about. But to start, there’s three things we can do.
Become aware of it, practice slowing down in the moment, slow down the reaction. And the third thing, much harder but doable. You guys did it today. Practice benevolent curiosity. Somebody actually called that out earlier. They noticed when we’re calm and safe, that’s available. So here’s a few things that you can explore when you’re trying to get to know these parts of you. I have people draw their narrators, because it makes it tangible. Each of these inner voices have their own unique physiological reactions. It’s amazing these physiological reactions, sometimes it’s a headache or sometimes it’s energy that moves. Sometimes it’s like a stomach tightening. So getting to know that reaction can help you know when they’re automatically happening. And then if you explore a little bit what their fears are for you, what their concerns might be, they might also have automatic reactions. So when people talk about I have this pattern, that’s what it is.
I’m working with people, they know what the pattern is and they’ve been trying to change it for a long time, and they also are aware of what the results are of that pattern. Like my helper, when people don’t show up for me, I get like, “I helped you so much.” They don’t know. They had no idea I was going out of my way to do all these things for them, so I don’t do that anymore. But that used to be like 80% of my life was doing things for people and they didn’t know and they didn’t know I expected them to show up for me when I needed them. It’s coming back now. I’m having an activation just thinking about it. So very important to be compassionate with yourself. I’m feeling the feeling. So I’m like, “Ooh, compassion.” And very important to know, like I said earlier, what their good intentions are.
“Oh, they’re trying to get me to be supported and feel connection to the people in my life. What are some ways that that’s where creativity and new strategies can be developed? As a 4-year-old, here are my automatic reactions, but as an adult now, what’s available to me?” And I engage with my resources, what’s available to me often is myself, what I’m capable of. But also I can get people involved in brainstorming new strategies. So this is a way to get aware and just to be aware also of when they come online, for some people it’s a physical sensation you can feel. For other people, your brain starts to go and do solutions to get ahead of this problem. So get familiar with that sensation, whatever that is. Slow down. That’s the other practice. Sounds really simple. It can be kind of hard because some of us have been reacting to these concerns for years and years and years.
I was just talking to a client of mine yesterday and he’s like, “I haven’t changed it yet.” And I’m like, “Well, we’ve been at this for about two weeks and this protector has been around for 45 years, so let’s have some compassion for it taking a little bit of time to slow down.” So slowing down. And if you’re not that activated, because a lot of our inner narrators feel like problem solvers, so you don’t necessarily have to be like full-blown reaction mode. And so actually noticing those is really helpful because they are the ones that lead us astray because they show up as if they’re really helpful sometimes. And so checking that and checking the outcomes and the results is really going to help us. And so what we need to do is instead of reacting, breathe. If it’s not super activated, we can just breathe through it.
Don’t engage in the reaction. But if it will really activate it, like my anxious helper is one that I get really anxious and I’m like, “I just want to say yes, I want to take this. I want to do this with a person,” I slow down. I say, “I know this activation is happening. I know I’m about to engage in my helper tendencies. I’m going to tell this person I’m about to do that. I’m actually just going to tell them. And then I’m going to ask for some time.” Then I’m going to go back and I actually do contemplation. Just a quiet meditative contemplation. I bring up the scenario, I bring up the inner narrator and I say, “Let’s have a chat. I see you, I hear your concerns. But if we do this, what would happen?” And I’m actually in compassionate dialogue. And I remind my inner narrators because they’re at a certain age, and sometimes they’re not aware that we’re like 45 years old and not three.
So I’m like, “As a 45-year-old, I have these resources. Here are the support that we can get. Here are ways that we can approach this.” So we engage in creative brainstorming and strategies. So when people will say, “I have this behavior pattern, I want to change it,” this is how you do it. Lastly, if a relational breakdowns happen, we have to reengage with the person. And sometimes that is activating all by itself. How do I reengage? So one simple way we can do that is just go back and reengage with the person and say, “I got activated. But my real intention is to be engaged in this project in a way that can move us forward. That’s really what I want. What I did yesterday doesn’t get us that. So I want to reset.”
So Tom, instead of all those assumptions he was making about his colleague, he can check those assumptions. He can say, “Can you tell me more about your perspective? Why don’t you want this change? Tell me more.” The magic word. And if we are calm and not activated, we can engage like the actors earlier. We can engage in a real dialogue and authentic communication with the other person and really get to the crux of the problem and move the conversation forward. And in the midst of doing that, we can also, by genuinely showing curiosity about their experience, we can express a sense of safety without saying, “I want to create safety.” They just know it, because you care. You want them to be heard and seen.
Real quick, all of you have some printouts on your desks, and you can take that with you because these are tendencies that we have when our inner narrators are activated. We do things like we make assumptions about other people. We might try to change their minds. We might be really engaged in convincing, solutioning. None of that creates safety. However, if you do the do column, you do steps one and two, and then you come back and reengage and you do these ways of listening and asking questions, what happens is that they feel safe. And the data that you need to get that project moving forward, the data that you need to feel a sense of connection to your daughter, the data that you need to create the relationships that you want to create is going to be available to you and you’re going to develop better adult strategies to create the results that you want in your life.
So we’re going to do a contemplation exercise, and we’re just going to have a moment to journal. I want you to think of a recent relational dynamic, a relational breakdown, maybe something you want to redo, a recent relational conflict with somebody at work, in your life. Use that conflict. You could close your eyes and replay it in your head like a movie, relive it. And I want you to just notice what thoughts or voices are coming up for you, what thoughts or voices, and then use these prompts to kind of get to know that voice. We’re going to do this and then we’re going to wrap up. You can draw this, draw the inner narrator if you want, if it is available to you, or you can just write down the questions and respond to it. Okay?
And just a quick reminder, if you’re looking at a question and nothing’s coming up, a really helpful technique is just to close your eyes, ask that voice the question, and let what emerges emerge. Just sit quietly with it. All right, go ahead and come back to us. And again, if you need these templates and things, just drop me an email. I’ll put my email address up in a little bit.
And we don’t have time to do this exercise, but once we slow down, you have this printout on your table. One really helpful thing is just say, “How do I automatically react?” Just circle one. Really simple. “Oh, I make assumptions about them. Oh, I try to fix the problem by jumping to solutions. That’s my automatic reaction. Well, what do I want to do instead?” So on this do column, circle one, and then you go into practice, practice it, and be really compassionate with yourself when you don’t do it right. Okay? Those are available for you.
Any questions, reflections, one or two? Okay, I’m going to wrap up and I like to end with this. Pema Chodron says, “If we want to make peace with ourselves and with the world at large, we have to look closely at the sources of our wars.” I want you to remember that war and peace starts within us, and we’re all just stumbling and wobbling and trying to get our way back to love and connection. So I want you to remember that we all deserve a little compassion and benevolence for ourselves and each other. Thank you.
