Bringing Facilitation Skills to Your Family Gatherings

Table of contents

Introduction: Setting the Tone for the Holidays


The holiday season is often an opportunity to gather with loved ones, but it can also come with challenges: differing opinions, old tensions, and the pressure of expectations. As facilitators, we know the power of intention and positive purpose in creating the environments we want to experience. This holiday, why not bring some facilitation skills to the table? These skills can help transform gatherings into opportunities for genuine connection, curiosity, and understanding. Let’s explore how you can use facilitation principles to create more meaningful and harmonious holidays.


Set the Intention Before the Gathering


Intentions are powerful tools in any facilitated session, and they’re equally valuable at family gatherings. Too often, we default to old habits, approaching conversations without reflection on what we truly want. Before the holiday begins, take a moment to set an intention. Instead of defaulting to convincing others of your perspective or expecting specific outcomes, focus on building or deepening relationships. An example of a strong intention might be: “I want to learn something new about my Uncle Bob,” or “I want to leave this gathering feeling more connected to my cousin.” When we let go of convincing others and, instead, shift to understanding and curiosity, we open up new possibilities for connection.


Another example could be setting an intention to let go of expectations around how the day should unfold. Often, we carry a mental picture of what a perfect holiday looks like, and deviations from that image can cause stress. Instead, try focusing on how you want to feel and the kind of energy you want to bring to the gathering. Is it kindness, patience, joy? Use these intentions as your anchor when things get a bit chaotic.


Break Out of Routines: Establish New Patterns of Interaction


Families often fall into routines—default ways of interacting that might not serve us well. Think about your family’s conversational routines and consider whether they’re leading you to the outcomes you desire. Just like in our facilitation work, where we try to break free from unproductive habits, we can do the same in family gatherings.

One way to do this is by incorporating a new ritual, such as opening the gathering with a reflection prompt: “What is something that has brought light into your life this year?” By replacing predictable, sometimes stale, routines with intentional prompts that invite everyone to share meaningfully, you can change the entire dynamic of your gathering.


Consider trying an activity like “Rose, Thorn, Bud.” Invite each family member to share a rose (something positive), a thorn (a challenge), and a bud (something they’re looking forward to). This simple exercise breaks the pattern of small talk and encourages a deeper, yet structured, connection. The more you practice breaking out of the old routines, the more space you create for authentic interactions.


Hold Space for Authentic Feelings—Even When They’re Difficult


Holiday gatherings can sometimes bring up challenging emotions. Whether it’s the stress of expectations or the resurfacing of past tensions, these moments can be hard to navigate. Instead of avoiding them, consider holding space for these emotions. This doesn’t mean dwelling on negativity but rather acknowledging that everyone may bring their own complex feelings to the table.


A powerful exercise is “Nine Whys,” where you dig deeper into why certain things affect you. For example, if you’re anxious about seeing a relative, ask yourself why that is—and then continue asking “why” until you reach the core of your feelings. This can help you understand yourself better and approach the gathering with more compassion and clarity.


Another helpful tool is simply naming emotions. If someone seems withdrawn or upset, it can help to acknowledge it gently: “I’m sensing there’s some tension here. Would you like to talk about it?” This acknowledgment can defuse defensiveness and create space for vulnerability. Remember, holding space doesn’t mean fixing—it means being present with the emotion.


Lean Into Curiosity with Active Listening


Active listening is one of the most important facilitation skills, and it’s invaluable in family settings, especially when there are different opinions. Instead of preparing rebuttals or filtering what others say through your own assumptions, try to be as present as possible. Reflect back what you’re hearing to ensure understanding. This practice slows the conversation down, creating space for genuine connection and reducing misunderstandings.


For example, if someone shares a strong opinion, try paraphrasing: “What I’m hearing is that you feel strongly about this because of X. Is that right?” Reflecting helps others feel heard and invites more thoughtful dialogue. Another useful tip is to use open-ended questions. Instead of asking, “Why do you think that?” which might feel confrontational, try “What experiences have led you to that belief?” This small shift encourages deeper conversation rather than debate.


Consider adopting “the power of the pause” during conversations. If someone says something provocative or challenging, take a breath before responding. This moment of pause can prevent escalation and gives you time to choose a response rooted in curiosity rather than defensiveness.


Incorporate Playfulness: Prompts and Games for Connection


Playfulness can ease tension and create a more open, joyful environment. Consider introducing a lighthearted prompt, such as, “What’s lighting you up these days?” or “What’s a holiday tradition you’ve always loved?” For families who enjoy a little healthy debate, try an activity like determining the “quintessential holiday movie” by collectively deciding on criteria. The key is to keep it fun and collaborative, encouraging everyone to share and connect.


Improv games like “Five Things” or even creating a “Family Portrait” through a storytelling game can also bring everyone together in laughter and shared creativity. Another favorite is “Reverse Charades,” where the entire group acts out a word while one person guesses. The collective hilarity can diffuse tension and remind everyone why gathering together is important.

Another great activity to consider is TRIZ, a facilitation technique that can add humor while helping the group identify unhelpful patterns. Introduce TRIZ as a way to brainstorm all the things that would make the holiday absolutely terrible—encourage creativity and laughter as people come up with the worst possible ideas. Then, have everyone reflect on whether they’ve ever unintentionally done any of those things. Finally, create a list of behaviors or traditions to avoid in order to make room for more positive experiences. This structured but playful approach can help everyone feel more invested in making the gathering as joyful as possible.


If you sense tension rising during the meal, try using humor or pivot to a lighter activity, like a “Gratitude Circle.” Invite everyone to say something they appreciate about the person to their left. This playful yet meaningful activity can instantly shift the mood and deepen bonds.


Navigate Traditions and Rituals Inclusively


Traditions are a big part of the holidays, but they can sometimes create tension, especially when different people value different things. Facilitation teaches us to co-create experiences—an approach that’s also useful when blending family traditions. Have an open conversation about which traditions are most meaningful to each person. This allows you to decide together which traditions to honor and what new experiences to create.


It’s also an opportunity to be inclusive, especially if you have guests from different cultural or religious backgrounds. Ask them what they’d like to bring to the gathering, and explore ways to integrate these elements into the family celebration. For example, if someone in your gathering celebrates a different holiday, invite them to share a story or ritual that’s meaningful to them. You might light a candle together or share a dish that’s part of their tradition.


You can also create new shared rituals. One family began the tradition of a “Holiday Memory Jar,” where each person writes down their favorite memory from the past year, places it in the jar, and then these are read aloud after dinner. This activity honors both individual experiences and collective sharing, fostering inclusivity and togetherness.


Embrace Spaciousness: Less Can Be More


In facilitation, we often talk about the importance of spaciousness—leaving room in the agenda for reflection, rest, and connection. The holidays are no different. It’s tempting to fill every moment with activity, but this can lead to stress and exhaustion. Instead, think about paring down your holiday plans to what is most essential. What activities are truly in service of connection, joy, and rest?


Leave space for unplanned moments—whether it’s a spontaneous walk, an afternoon nap, or an extended conversation over coffee. By embracing spaciousness, you create a more relaxed atmosphere where meaningful interactions can naturally unfold.


Consider building in a collective “Pause Moment” during the gathering. Maybe after dinner, suggest everyone take a few minutes to sit quietly, enjoy their dessert, or simply reflect on the day. These moments of stillness can help everyone decompress and allow for deeper, more thoughtful conversations to follow. Remember, it’s often in the unplanned, quiet moments that true connection happens.


Facilitating Joyful Gatherings


Facilitating during the holidays doesn’t mean you have to be the “official facilitator” of your family—it’s about bringing intention, openness, and curiosity to every interaction. By setting clear intentions, breaking out of unproductive routines, holding space for authenticity, listening actively, incorporating play, navigating traditions inclusively, and embracing spaciousness, you can transform your holiday gatherings. The goal isn’t to have a perfect holiday—it’s to have a holiday that’s meaningful, connected, and joyful. This year, let’s use our facilitation skills to create memories that will last.

If you’re inspired to bring facilitation into your holiday gatherings, share your experiences with our community! We’d love to hear what worked, what surprised you, and what new traditions you started. Let’s learn from each other and continue building a community of thoughtful facilitators—not just in the workplace but also at home. Join us in the Facilitation Lab to share your stories and get more ideas for transforming gatherings of all kinds.